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More questions...more answers...more clarity
Melanie asks: Have you ever had a time when you don't want to pray about something because you are scared of what the answer may be? How do you work through that?
Answer: Of course. I think everyone struggles with that. Realizing the Spirit of God sometimes leads us into the wilderness can tempt us to grope our way through life-- trying to find our own way. A more comfortable, less painful, less intrusive way than God would choose for us.
I’ve struggled with this over big things—like asking God whether or not we should adopt another child or whether we should relocate. And over little things—like asking God if I should have to humble myself and apologize when, clearly, I wasn’t wrong.
For me, this comes down to a trust issue: Do I really believe God is good and that His plans for me will prosper and not harm me? Once I’ve got that truth solidified in my heart, I can accept His answers, even if they appear scary and difficult.
There are a few ways to solidify the truth about God in your heart so you can build that trust in him:
1. Read the Bible. I’ve must have said this a thousand times on this blog. But the only way to build a life of faith is to have God’s word as the foundation. When we study the lives of other godly men and women and meditate upon His promises, we begin to trust His goodness toward us.
2. Allow time for your relationship with God to grow and mature. The longer I walk with God, the more I trust Him. Time and time again, He’s led me down difficult, painful paths. Paths I never, ever would have chosen on my own. But every single time, He’s proven Himself faithful to me in overt, tangible ways. When He does this, it gives me confidence in Him the next time when I’m asking for direction. I know if He took care of me before, He’ll take care of me again.
Melanie asks again: What do you do when you feel like you are getting a very clear answer and your husband is not on board with it? I am trying to curb my steamroller tendencies and let him be the head of our household, but what happens when you just really don't agree on an issue?
Answer: This is such a great question, and one with which I think every wife struggles. I’ve been married to my husband for over 16 years. In that time, we have had many, many (many!) disagreements. And I’ll be the first one to admit I have not always handled them the right way. Early in our marriage, we had terrible conflict resolution skills. I was the “steamroller” and he was the “let’s ignore this and hope it goes away-er.” That dynamic was purely toxic and nearly ended our marriage.
I’m so thankful God stepped in and helped us out. After leading me to a lot of good friends, good books and good scriptures, I learned there were many things I could change on my end that helped tremendously.
1. Try to talk it through. God placed you in your marriage to compliment your husband’s shortcomings, and vice versa. It’s OK to have a voice. The key is to approach him respectfully and at the right time, just as you would prefer he approach you. Only you know your husband well enough to discern how and when that is. But I’m guessing you have a pretty good feel for this. Remember that self-control, gentleness, patience and love are all signs of spiritual maturity.
2. Pray. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gone behind my husband’s back and prayed for God to change his heart about something. I do it all the time. (shhhhhhh, don't tell Jon!) God knows and loves your husband so much. Sometimes only He can be the one to change him.
3. Consider that perhaps your husband is right. Did I just say that out loud? Remember, God gave your husband to you to balance out your weaknesses. Together, you will make much better decisions than you will independently. What is the worst case scenario if you decided to go along with your husband’s decision on an issue? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think.
Finally, I do believe this is the most important thing, so don’t miss this: remember that no matter what, God’s got your back. He really does. There have been several times throughout our marriage where Jon and I had genuine disagreements about major, life-altering issues: where to live, where he should work, how we should spend a large amount of money, whether or not we should adopt more children. In the end, I always got to a place where no matter what happened, I knew I could trust God to take care of me (this takes time, so don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t there yet). I feel strongly that when we choose to honor God by honoring our husbands, God blesses us. Sometimes by granting us our heart’s desire. Sometimes by surprising us with something better. And sometimes simply by flooding our hearts with peace and contentment. It’s all good.
3 comments:
As I read this it struck me that it's all about looking outward instead of inward. Thank you for reminding me of that!
For years, I felt called to tithe but my husband was NOT AT ALL on board with that. I prayed about what to do and God led me to Ephesians 5:22. I also came across this story that really helped me (you'll find the link to it at the bottom of this blog post). http://titus2345.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-couldnt-have-said-it-better.html
Sandy, i think you left out the most important part of submission -- mix faith with it.
Any and every time a woman chooses to submit to her husband's decision, she should do so with faith towards God, saying something like, "Lord, you told me to submit and obey and I'm going to do that in faith, trusting You that You're well able to speak to him and correct him if his decision is wrong." Of course you can add "...which I think it is!" just don't let that or anything else hinder your faith and cause you to slip into unbelief.
Remember, God's Word says, "... whatever is not of faith is sin." Rom. 14:23b
What you're doing is *really* trusting God when you *do* mix faith with your decision and that's what pleases Him.
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